3 nights ago, I suffered another meltdown. I woke up in the middle of my sleep and started crying. I wasn’t really sound asleep as my mind leaped back and forth, being active during that night. Because of that, I suddenly went into the thoughts of how “unblessed” I am compared to my friends. I kept thinking why is it that my friends, some enemies, tend to have better lives than mine. They have a career and kids and I am quite the opposite.
As I questioned God about my life, I broke down into tears. Hubs whom I thought was sound asleep, heard my cries and woke up to wipe away my tears. He did not ask any questions for he knew why I was crying. I was crying because I am still without a child since my miscarriage almost 2 years ago. I cried because I felt life’s really unfair for me. Why was it that I have to suffer so much watching others living a life that is so ideal I wish it was my life too. I sound like I am coveting my friends’ lives … perhaps I am.
It has been a tough journey, juggling between wanting to follow God’s ways that is suffering, and wanting a life that ideally belongs to the world – kids, career, etc. I am tired, I really am. This journey has been exhausting my strength, energy and even faith. I feel guilty because I am tempted to give up on God. He’s been taking his time in blessing me. What does He mean by his perfect timing and plan? I really don’t know and I really wish I do. Have I done anything so sinful in His sight that he has to banish me to suffering just like how he banished Saul for not following His commands in 2 Samuel?
I am tempted to give up fighting for my faith.
But God never fails to amaze me. When I was losing hope and as my faith dwindles, God revealed himself to me through His word the next morning:
v.20: Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.
22 Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.
23 “And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. 24 Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.
v.33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
The Lord works out everything to its proper end—
even the wicked for a day of disaster.
Then He taught me how to pray and this verses were exactly what I wanted to pray but I was lost at words. God helped me to put them into my heart as I was trying to reach out to Him:
76 May your unfailing love be my comfort,
according to your promise to your servant.
77 Let your compassion come to me that I may live,
for your law is my delight.
I very much want to shout ALL GLORY GOES TO HIM but my heart remains pretty hardened. I am still coming to terms with my present disposition. I am still trying to be at peace with the journey and plan that God has ordained for me. His word is truly a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. I wish I could follow it wholeheartedly.
Proverbs 16:9 – In their hearts humans plan their course, bu the LORD establishes their steps.
Today, God revealed yet another revelation to me taken from 2 Samuel 14:14 that God does not intend to banish anyone for good for that is not what He desires. That in itself has given me hope that God still loves me. He reprimanded David for sinning by committing adultery with Bathsheba and killed their child. But in his grace, He has granted David another child with Bathsheba. He has punished the Israelites from straying off their paths, but time after time, He forgave them and provided for them. Truly, He is a loving God. His love gives us hope that there is no eternal darkness in this world, but eternal hope that He provides through His Son Jesus Christ for all who believe.
I thank God for his divine intervention that has saved me from stumbling. Truly all praises go to Him. Amen.