I don’t know what to make of it …

It has been a harrowing experience for me and hubs as we kept trying to have a baby naturally without opting for IVF. I was told by a friend who is also a Christian sister that IVF was not for us and much to my disbelief, I obeyed. As tempted as I may be to opt for IVF treatment at times, I believe that God’s ultimate plan of procreation stands supreme. Our endeavor to have a child has taken a toll on my patience and faith that in countless times I have almost given up treatment … and hope. I never thought I would see the day where I would be carrying a bundle of joy in my arms and having a little one falling me “Mummy”. All these seem unimaginable and out of reach. I have prayed every day without fail and I often doubt if God ever heard any of them.

Apparently he has. Though the answers He gave were not the ones I expected, but they actually bring peace in my aching soul. Each time I made the decision to give up altogether, a scripture from the Bible would be prominently displayed before my very eyes telling me how Abraham – to whom God has credited as righteous – has endured the painstaking waiting period before God gave him Isaac. And there was one time, God showed me hope in the most divine moment which I would never forget. I was playing the song “Try Everything” by Shakira (a theme song from Zootopia) on Youtube on my way to the shopping mall when I turned to catch a beautiful glimpse of a patch of rainbow in the midst of the dark rain clouds. I could feel a sense of hope rejuvenating my soul almost instantly and a smile unexpectedly etched on my face. The feeling was blissful! Hope filled my soul once again and my decision to give up on it dissipated, completely out of trace.

Then came another month and I was nowhere near the “double lines”. Of course, the thought of giving up, filled my mind again. But I wasn’t as dejected as I was before and I don’t know what to make of this. Do I still have a tinge of hope left in me? Do I hold on to the promise God has given me? Or do I simply feel indifferent, completely numb to all these?

Then God intervened. When my jar of hope and faith was almost empty, he filled it up again with these verse from the Scripture:

Romans 4:18-22

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offsprings be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead – and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God has the power to do what he had promised. This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” 

As I read this passage to me the second time today (when I copied it into my post), I came to realize so deeply that:

  1. God does not want a weakened faith. Abraham did not weaken his faith although he was facing the fact that both his and his wife’s Sarah’s body were as good as dead.
  2. God does not want a wavering belief or faith. Abraham did not waver in his belief that God can and will do anything that He had promised.
  3. God wants me to continue bearing hope and giving him all glory and honor and praise for only by having a heart of praise and thanksgiving, I could continue to stand tall in his righteousness and live a life of total dependence on his faith, trust and love.

When I thought I do not know what to make of all these – the tiring process of trying, getting disappointed, trying again, feeling hopeless, then trying again. Needless to say, I am almost worn out. But God has not failed to strengthen me time after time and I could feel his presence surrounding me in my hopelessness and weariness. I am lost with words to describe my current disposition. Am I glad? Not sure. Blessed? Yes, definitely. Hopeful? Maybe not in a profound way right now. Prayers and prayers through and through.

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