Hubs and I made the hardest decision we’ve ever made in the face of our infertility problem – that is to give up all forms of medication and treatment. It was hard because we have depended on human wisdom to help us all along and while it has been the most tangible source of help, it was never God’s plans for us.
My husband prayed the most meaningful prayer I’ve ever heard – “Lord, we have decided to depend fully on you for we have given up medication”. Full dependence on the Maker is something that a lot of us grapple with. It’s not an easy feat but God has made it very clear that so long as we depend on our own human wisdom and effort, it will be futile. He affirmed this statement through this Scripture which was brought forth to me in the past two days of my QT with him:
1 Corinthians 2:5 – so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.
Therefore, behold, I will again do a marvelous work Among this people, A marvelous work and a wonder; For the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, And the understanding of their prudent men shall be hidden
Jeremiah 9:24 – But let him who glories glory in this, That he understands and knows Me
1 Corinthians 2:7,9-10
7 But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory,
9 But as it is written:
“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”[a]
10 But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God.
Proverbs 20:24 – A person’s steps are directed by the LORD. How the can anyone understand their own way?
Though these are wondrous revelations that God has shown me, it still pains me to know that I am still childless till this day. Day after day I hear news of birth and pregnancy and they just kept my biological ticking even faster. Each tick sends waves of fear and anxiety through my tired and depressed soul. But at the end of the day, I can’t do much but just call on God day after day, hoping that I could come to terms with reality and to make peace with Him. My cries from the deepest sorrows of my heart were that of the Psalmist. But just like the Psalmist, I too, receive wondrous revelations from the Lord, affirming his love for me. I count myself blessed, truly blessed, in this sense and I could not ask for more.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
8 When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”
13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
14 Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
To You I will cry, O Lord my Rock:
Do not be silent to me,
Lest, if You are silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
2 Hear the voice of my supplications
When I cry to You,
When I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary.
Blessed be the Lord,
Because He has heard the voice of my supplications!
7 The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him.
In my silent prayer, I prayed:
Dear heavenly Father,
You know me. You have made me and you have made me whole. I am perfect in your eyes. You know my every desires and thoughts and struggles. Though I am struggling with childlessness, but I believe you will bless me and hubby someday with a child to love and to bring up in accordance to your teaching, just like how you’ve blessed Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth and Rachel. I believe you Lord. I pray Lord, that you have not forgotten about us. We surrender fully to you Lord. Let your face shine on us and your glory be known to all the earth. Amen