No words …

When it comes to God’s grace, there are certainly no words to describe its magnificence. This time I am certain, confident that God has me in his heart and he has not forgotten his promise to me.

I experienced yet another breakdown during my journey of waiting for God to bless me with a child. But this time, the breakdown did not “break” me. I wish I could safely say that I am more confident, more assured of what is to come. Though my heart still aches, but I am not sorrowful. Though my soul still yearns for God’s promise to be hastened, but I am not impatient. I have learned that what is meant to be, will be what is not, will not be. So I am going to take a step back, breathe and enjoy the life that God has ‘allotted’ to me.

In my recent episode of breakdown, I was almost certain that I will not in any chance have children. But God rebuked that. I was on the brink of brokenness, my soul torn into pieces. My hormone was acting really strange – something that has never happened to me before. I read up about my situation on the Internet and it didn’t sound positive. This is the consequence of relying on my ‘humanly’ wisdom, which what the bible describes as ‘foolishness’. I sent out SOS messages to my best friends, seeking prayers. I was on the verge of losing complete faith in the Lord and hence, believing in his promise was almost an impossible feat for me to accomplish. I told God that I wanted to give up for this wait, this faith is killing me inside. I could not breathe.

It was then a miracle appeared just within a minute after my message was sent out. It was so quick, as though God had intercepted one of my best friends’ network and replied my message on her phone:

When God promises you, please wait. Look at what Abraham did? Sarah suggested to Abraham to make Hagar become part of the household of Abraham. And Hagar, provided a ready accommodation to this temptation. God never approved it. This is a great warning never to look at sin lightly. One sin can make it easier to do another sin. It is far better what God thinks and let God’s Word be final no matter what others [including myself] say or think. Do you want to birth an Ishmael or Isaac?”

Therefore, given the many messages I received from God about Abraham, Sarah and their son Isaac, I can almost be certain that I will have a son who will be called Isaac as well for he was the one that God approved of.

The next day, I received more affirmation after affirmation from God’s words:

2 Corinthians 1:20 – For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.

Proverbs 4:13Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it.

Psalm 37:9,15

All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you … LORD, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God

To God, I give him all praise – Amen and Amen.

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What’s in a dream?

Have you ever wondered what your dreams tell you? Have you deciphered your own dreams before, like how Freud conducted dream analyses on human dreams?

I had the most extraordinary dreams for 3 consecutive days. It was as though they were real and they were sending me some messages which I ought to know.  I couldn’t make up the first 2 dreams but hubs managed to help me decipher them. What he said made total sense. In the first night, I dreamed of being trapped in a cave and I was trying hard to send out text messages calling for help. Somehow, I was so distracted in the midst that I couldn’t send even type out the message in full. I remembered erasing the text over and over and it was extremely difficult for me to compose that message, let alone send it out. Then on the second night, I dreamed that I was in the maternity ward with other women who were going on labor. I remembered being the most calm patient without any labor pain while two women in front of me were screaming their lungs out. Then I saw another woman who just gave birth next to me and she was cradling her newborn in her arms. It was the most beautiful sight. Then I looked at my tummy and it wasn’t big – like how a pregnant woman should look like in her 9th month of pregnancy. I asked the nurse and she said it was not time for me to give birth yet. My hub told me that this dream reflects my innermost desire to become pregnant … and so it does!

Then on the third night (which was just last night … could be this morning), I dreamed that I was at the language center and I’ve baked lasagna for my colleagues (which is true because I did bake lasagna last night for dinner and there were leftovers and I’ve decided to bring some for my colleagues). Then I realized that the pasta noodles were too hard and I had to take it back and bake it again. I took a bus home but the bus seemed to be going nowhere. So I alighted at one of the bus stations and someone told me that there wouldn’t be any bus coming this way soon. I panicked as I had a class to teach and I should not be late. I remembered looking at my watch in that dream. It was around 40 minutes past 9 am and I had a class at 10:30 am. And there seemed to be no bus in sight. Then I remembered climbing up a hill which looked like a bus and I sat down on a tree root that protruded above the ground. And then I woke up.

I kinda guessed that this dream tells me that I should not look back in my “ugly” past (represented by the uncooked pasta noodles) and that I ought to strive forward for a better future (going up the hill). Today’s message from God affirmed my hypothesis:

1 Corinthians 5:7 – Get rid of the old yeast, so that you may be a new unleavened batch – as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been crucified.

And the response to the message above reads:

Psalm 31:1-5,7-8

In You, O Lord, I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed;
Deliver me in Your righteousness.
Bow down Your ear to me,
Deliver me speedily;
Be my rock of refuge,
A fortress of defense to save me.

For You are my rock and my fortress;
Therefore, for Your name’s sake,
Lead me and guide me.
Pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me,
For You are my strength.
Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
You have redeemed me, O Lord God of truth.

I will be glad and rejoice in Your mercy,
For You have considered my trouble;
You have known my soul in adversities,
And have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy;
You have set my feet in a wide place.

 

And finally, the finishing touch to today’s message from God which tells me that I ought not to look back at how I’ve striven to get pregnant – going through treatments and all that – but to look up above for the ultimate and divine solution. For God is the Creator and Maker of life, there is certainly no other:

Proverbs 21:2 – A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart.

Amen and Amen I said ….

Depending on God’s power …

Hubs and I made the hardest decision we’ve ever made in the face of our infertility problem – that is to give up all forms of medication and treatment. It was hard because we have depended on human wisdom to help us all along and while it has been the most tangible source of help, it was never God’s plans for us.

My husband prayed the most meaningful prayer I’ve ever heard – “Lord, we have decided to depend fully on you for we have given up medication”. Full dependence on the Maker is something that a lot of us grapple with. It’s not an easy feat but God has made it very clear that so long as we depend on our own human wisdom and effort, it will be futile. He affirmed this statement through this Scripture which was brought forth to me in the past two days of my QT with him:

 1 Corinthians 2:5 – so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

Isaiah 29:14

Therefore, behold, I will again do a marvelous work Among this people, A marvelous work and a wonder; For the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, And the understanding of their prudent men shall be hidden

Jeremiah 9:24 – But let him who glories glory in this, That he understands and knows Me

1 Corinthians 2:7,9-10

But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory,

But as it is written:

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”[a]

10 But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God.

 

Proverbs 20:24 – A person’s steps are directed by the LORD. How the can anyone understand their own way?

Though these are wondrous revelations that God has shown me, it still pains me to know that I am still childless till this day. Day after day I hear news of birth and pregnancy and they just kept my biological ticking even faster. Each tick sends waves of fear and anxiety through my tired and depressed soul. But at the end of the day, I can’t do much but just call on God day after day, hoping that I could come to terms with reality and to make peace with Him. My cries from the deepest sorrows of my heart were that of the Psalmist. But just like the Psalmist, I too, receive wondrous revelations from the Lord, affirming his love for me. I count myself blessed, truly blessed, in this sense and I could not ask for more.

Psalm 27:7-8,13-14

Hear, O Lordwhen I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”

13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

14 Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Psalm 28:1-2,6-7

To You I will cry, O Lord my Rock:
Do not be silent to me,
Lest, if You are silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
Hear the voice of my supplications
When I cry to You,
When I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary.

Blessed be the Lord,
Because He has heard the voice of my supplications!
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him.

In my silent prayer, I prayed:

Dear heavenly Father,

You know me. You have made me and you have made me whole. I am perfect in your eyes. You know my every desires and thoughts and struggles. Though I am struggling with childlessness, but I believe you will bless me and hubby someday with a child to love and to bring up in accordance to your teaching, just like how you’ve blessed Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth and Rachel. I believe you Lord. I pray Lord, that you have not forgotten about us. We surrender fully to you Lord. Let your face shine on us and your glory be known to all the earth. Amen

I don’t know what to make of it …

It has been a harrowing experience for me and hubs as we kept trying to have a baby naturally without opting for IVF. I was told by a friend who is also a Christian sister that IVF was not for us and much to my disbelief, I obeyed. As tempted as I may be to opt for IVF treatment at times, I believe that God’s ultimate plan of procreation stands supreme. Our endeavor to have a child has taken a toll on my patience and faith that in countless times I have almost given up treatment … and hope. I never thought I would see the day where I would be carrying a bundle of joy in my arms and having a little one falling me “Mummy”. All these seem unimaginable and out of reach. I have prayed every day without fail and I often doubt if God ever heard any of them.

Apparently he has. Though the answers He gave were not the ones I expected, but they actually bring peace in my aching soul. Each time I made the decision to give up altogether, a scripture from the Bible would be prominently displayed before my very eyes telling me how Abraham – to whom God has credited as righteous – has endured the painstaking waiting period before God gave him Isaac. And there was one time, God showed me hope in the most divine moment which I would never forget. I was playing the song “Try Everything” by Shakira (a theme song from Zootopia) on Youtube on my way to the shopping mall when I turned to catch a beautiful glimpse of a patch of rainbow in the midst of the dark rain clouds. I could feel a sense of hope rejuvenating my soul almost instantly and a smile unexpectedly etched on my face. The feeling was blissful! Hope filled my soul once again and my decision to give up on it dissipated, completely out of trace.

Then came another month and I was nowhere near the “double lines”. Of course, the thought of giving up, filled my mind again. But I wasn’t as dejected as I was before and I don’t know what to make of this. Do I still have a tinge of hope left in me? Do I hold on to the promise God has given me? Or do I simply feel indifferent, completely numb to all these?

Then God intervened. When my jar of hope and faith was almost empty, he filled it up again with these verse from the Scripture:

Romans 4:18-22

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offsprings be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead – and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God has the power to do what he had promised. This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” 

As I read this passage to me the second time today (when I copied it into my post), I came to realize so deeply that:

  1. God does not want a weakened faith. Abraham did not weaken his faith although he was facing the fact that both his and his wife’s Sarah’s body were as good as dead.
  2. God does not want a wavering belief or faith. Abraham did not waver in his belief that God can and will do anything that He had promised.
  3. God wants me to continue bearing hope and giving him all glory and honor and praise for only by having a heart of praise and thanksgiving, I could continue to stand tall in his righteousness and live a life of total dependence on his faith, trust and love.

When I thought I do not know what to make of all these – the tiring process of trying, getting disappointed, trying again, feeling hopeless, then trying again. Needless to say, I am almost worn out. But God has not failed to strengthen me time after time and I could feel his presence surrounding me in my hopelessness and weariness. I am lost with words to describe my current disposition. Am I glad? Not sure. Blessed? Yes, definitely. Hopeful? Maybe not in a profound way right now. Prayers and prayers through and through.

God never fails to amaze me …

3 nights ago,  I suffered another meltdown. I woke up in the middle of my sleep and started crying. I wasn’t really sound asleep as my mind leaped back and forth, being active during that night. Because of that, I suddenly went into the thoughts of how “unblessed” I am compared to my friends. I kept thinking why is it that my friends, some enemies, tend to have better lives than mine. They have a career and kids and I am quite the opposite.

As I questioned God about my life, I broke down into tears. Hubs whom I thought was sound asleep, heard my cries and woke up to wipe away my tears. He did not ask any questions for he knew why I was crying. I was crying because I am still without a child since my miscarriage almost 2 years ago. I cried because I felt life’s really unfair for me. Why was it that I have to suffer so much watching others living a life that is so ideal I wish it was my life too. I sound like I am coveting my friends’ lives  … perhaps I am.

It has been a tough journey, juggling between wanting to follow God’s ways that is suffering, and wanting a life that ideally belongs to the world – kids, career, etc. I am tired, I really am. This journey has been exhausting my strength, energy and even faith. I feel guilty because I am tempted to give up on God. He’s been taking his time in blessing me. What does He mean by his perfect timing and plan? I really don’t know and I really wish I do. Have I done anything so sinful in His sight that he has to banish me to suffering just like how he banished Saul for not following His commands in 2 Samuel?

I am tempted to give up fighting for my faith.

But God never fails to amaze me. When I was losing hope and as my faith dwindles, God revealed himself to me through His word the next morning:

John 16:20,22-24,33

v.20: Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.

v.22-24:

22 Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

23 “And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. 24 Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

v.33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

Proverbs 16:4

The Lord works out everything to its proper end—
    even the wicked for a day of disaster.

Then He taught me how to pray and this verses were exactly what I wanted to pray but I was lost at words. God helped me to put them into my heart as I was trying to reach out to Him:

Psalm 119:76-77

76 May your unfailing love be my comfort,
    according to your promise to your servant.
77 Let your compassion come to me that I may live,
    for your law is my delight.

I very much want to shout ALL GLORY GOES TO HIM but my heart remains pretty hardened. I am still coming to terms with my present disposition. I am still trying to be at peace with the journey and plan that God has ordained for me. His word is truly a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. I wish I could follow it wholeheartedly.

Proverbs 16:9 – In their hearts humans plan their course, bu the LORD establishes their steps.

Today, God revealed yet another revelation to me taken from 2 Samuel 14:14 that God does not intend to banish anyone for good for that is not what He desires. That in itself has given me hope that God still loves me. He reprimanded David for sinning by committing adultery with Bathsheba and killed their child. But in his grace, He has granted David another child with Bathsheba. He has punished the Israelites from straying off their paths, but time after time, He forgave them and provided for them. Truly, He is a loving God. His love gives us hope that there is no eternal darkness in this world, but eternal hope that He provides through His Son Jesus Christ for all who believe.

I thank God for his divine intervention that has saved me from stumbling. Truly all praises go to Him. Amen.

Who God truly is …

We all know that God is almighty and He is the giver of life. But these verses revealed to me who God truly is – His wonderful, loving and gracious character:

Psalms 103:1-5, 8, 17-18

Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.

17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting
On those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
18 To such as keep His covenant,
And to those who remember His commandments to do them.

Praise the LORD, O, my soul, Praise his holy name! Amen

Losing something we never had …

The fear of losing (something or someone) cripples our rationale and throws us into heaps of destructive thoughts and actions. But have we ever pondered, what if we never had these people or things in the first place?

This world is a temporary place as Carrie Underwood had sung it. Everything on this earth, will never last. Soon it will disappear and all that we claim we own, will be lost. So, is losing such a big deal? Yes, indeed it is for all of us.

I’ve been reading news on how two women (one young and one old) have lost their entire family so tragically in a fire breakout and road accident respectively, that it sent the readers to their tears. If by-readers could feel this strong emotion in them after reading their news, what more these two women who have to go through such a traumatic experience? Everyone asked, what have they done wrong to deserve this? Truth is, only God knows.

Frankly, what really cripples is is not the fear of losing, but the fear of not knowing what to do when when we lost them. How are we going to live our lives without them? How are we going to move on? How are things going to work out now, that everything has changed?

When I lost my baby, I thought God was being really unfair to me. But the suffering that everyone else go through, is no less that what I had been through. In this event, I learned that God replaces what is lost for something greater. What I’ve lost, belongs to God. He has taken back what belongs to Him. If only we could learn to accept that all things belong to God and that He is in control of all things.

I learned that hope is not as burdensome as worry, because hope brings about God’s presence in my life. Worry does not. Worry separates me from God. I worry that as I advance in age, I would not be able to bear a healthy child with my ageing body. I worry that I would not have the opportunity to be a mother in this lifetime and feeling hurt as I watch friends after friends being given this opportunity. I worry that I will be left out. And then I learned, that although I may never have this opportunity, I have God.

Will I ever lose God? Not if He can help it.