God never fails to amaze me …

3 nights ago,  I suffered another meltdown. I woke up in the middle of my sleep and started crying. I wasn’t really sound asleep as my mind leaped back and forth, being active during that night. Because of that, I suddenly went into the thoughts of how “unblessed” I am compared to my friends. I kept thinking why is it that my friends, some enemies, tend to have better lives than mine. They have a career and kids and I am quite the opposite.

As I questioned God about my life, I broke down into tears. Hubs whom I thought was sound asleep, heard my cries and woke up to wipe away my tears. He did not ask any questions for he knew why I was crying. I was crying because I am still without a child since my miscarriage almost 2 years ago. I cried because I felt life’s really unfair for me. Why was it that I have to suffer so much watching others living a life that is so ideal I wish it was my life too. I sound like I am coveting my friends’ lives  … perhaps I am.

It has been a tough journey, juggling between wanting to follow God’s ways that is suffering, and wanting a life that ideally belongs to the world – kids, career, etc. I am tired, I really am. This journey has been exhausting my strength, energy and even faith. I feel guilty because I am tempted to give up on God. He’s been taking his time in blessing me. What does He mean by his perfect timing and plan? I really don’t know and I really wish I do. Have I done anything so sinful in His sight that he has to banish me to suffering just like how he banished Saul for not following His commands in 2 Samuel?

I am tempted to give up fighting for my faith.

But God never fails to amaze me. When I was losing hope and as my faith dwindles, God revealed himself to me through His word the next morning:

John 16:20,22-24,33

v.20: Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.

v.22-24:

22 Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

23 “And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. 24 Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

v.33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

Proverbs 16:4

The Lord works out everything to its proper end—
    even the wicked for a day of disaster.

Then He taught me how to pray and this verses were exactly what I wanted to pray but I was lost at words. God helped me to put them into my heart as I was trying to reach out to Him:

Psalm 119:76-77

76 May your unfailing love be my comfort,
    according to your promise to your servant.
77 Let your compassion come to me that I may live,
    for your law is my delight.

I very much want to shout ALL GLORY GOES TO HIM but my heart remains pretty hardened. I am still coming to terms with my present disposition. I am still trying to be at peace with the journey and plan that God has ordained for me. His word is truly a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. I wish I could follow it wholeheartedly.

Proverbs 16:9 – In their hearts humans plan their course, bu the LORD establishes their steps.

Today, God revealed yet another revelation to me taken from 2 Samuel 14:14 that God does not intend to banish anyone for good for that is not what He desires. That in itself has given me hope that God still loves me. He reprimanded David for sinning by committing adultery with Bathsheba and killed their child. But in his grace, He has granted David another child with Bathsheba. He has punished the Israelites from straying off their paths, but time after time, He forgave them and provided for them. Truly, He is a loving God. His love gives us hope that there is no eternal darkness in this world, but eternal hope that He provides through His Son Jesus Christ for all who believe.

I thank God for his divine intervention that has saved me from stumbling. Truly all praises go to Him. Amen.

Who God truly is …

We all know that God is almighty and He is the giver of life. But these verses revealed to me who God truly is – His wonderful, loving and gracious character:

Psalms 103:1-5, 8, 17-18

Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.

17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting
On those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
18 To such as keep His covenant,
And to those who remember His commandments to do them.

Praise the LORD, O, my soul, Praise his holy name! Amen

Losing something we never had …

The fear of losing (something or someone) cripples our rationale and throws us into heaps of destructive thoughts and actions. But have we ever pondered, what if we never had these people or things in the first place?

This world is a temporary place as Carrie Underwood had sung it. Everything on this earth, will never last. Soon it will disappear and all that we claim we own, will be lost. So, is losing such a big deal? Yes, indeed it is for all of us.

I’ve been reading news on how two women (one young and one old) have lost their entire family so tragically in a fire breakout and road accident respectively, that it sent the readers to their tears. If by-readers could feel this strong emotion in them after reading their news, what more these two women who have to go through such a traumatic experience? Everyone asked, what have they done wrong to deserve this? Truth is, only God knows.

Frankly, what really cripples is is not the fear of losing, but the fear of not knowing what to do when when we lost them. How are we going to live our lives without them? How are we going to move on? How are things going to work out now, that everything has changed?

When I lost my baby, I thought God was being really unfair to me. But the suffering that everyone else go through, is no less that what I had been through. In this event, I learned that God replaces what is lost for something greater. What I’ve lost, belongs to God. He has taken back what belongs to Him. If only we could learn to accept that all things belong to God and that He is in control of all things.

I learned that hope is not as burdensome as worry, because hope brings about God’s presence in my life. Worry does not. Worry separates me from God. I worry that as I advance in age, I would not be able to bear a healthy child with my ageing body. I worry that I would not have the opportunity to be a mother in this lifetime and feeling hurt as I watch friends after friends being given this opportunity. I worry that I will be left out. And then I learned, that although I may never have this opportunity, I have God.

Will I ever lose God? Not if He can help it.

God never lies ….

Every day, every month as I continue to wait upon the Lord for His promise of a child, I have been reading His word and unknowingly, it has become a routine which I could never forgo. His word is like my heartbeat – something I can never live without!

Yesterday, again He sent me an assurance that He remembers me with a scripture taken from:

NUMBERS 23:19

God is not human, that he should lie, not human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

Truly God never lies. Whatever he has said holds true and I will bask in the wondrous light of his love. As I wait, I learned to rely on Him for strength for I am weak and feeble. I do doubt occasionally but He never fails to uplift me with His word and presence of the Holy Spirit so I can stay afloat during this waiting period.

A love so divine …

We have husband and wife for 8 years and today’s our wedding anniversary … we still remain husband and wife – no extension to the family … yet. There came a time where my hope dwindled, but the Holy Spirit somehow reminded me that God is in control and He hears our prayers.

Just want to share how God has been so real to me this month that has given me a peace that is unfathomable by human understanding.

I have been monitoring my BBT for the past few years that I have become so accustomed to the routine that I know the second we have another failed attempt at getting pregnant. And so it was this month too. But this time, I felt peaceful when I looked at the dropped temperature, which meant that I would be getting my period anytime soon. We have failed once again!

Before the feeling of disappointment could sink in, God has already reassured me beforehand about His promise. That’s how I got the peace to move on with my life and celebrated our wedding anniversary today – disappointment-free.

These were the readings I received days before I knew of our failed attempt:

MARK 11:22-25

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

PSALM 46:10

He says, “Be still and know that I am God.”

PSALM 48:14

For this God is our God forever and ever, he will be our guide even to the end.

NUMBERS 6:24-26

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD makes his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turns his face toward you and give you peace.”

and finally ….

1 CORINTHIANS 13:7-8

[LOVE] bears all things, believes all things, endure all things. Love never fails …

Truly after I read these verses, I felt the peace to fully trust Him once again and the hope rekindled. I know that if I love God, I ought to love him with all my heart, soul and mind and believe that with His love for me, He will never fail me …

AMEN and HALLELUJAH to a great and awesome God ….

Jar of Blessings ….

Another brand new year has started. I have been waiting for a year long to receive the bundle of joy from heaven above, but it seems like I still have to wait a little while longer. I don’t know how much longer do I have to wait, but each time I waited, I yearned for it even more.

Hubs and I are considering IVF this year. I am still very much hesitant to go through the strenuous process that entails in IVF. In fact, I get the jitters to the point of having nightmares about it each time I think of getting close to those needles. Honestly, I am extremely lost in what I should do next.

And there was nothing much I could do except to continue with the medication I am currently taking and …. praying. Not just praying, but praying with an unwavering faith and believing wholeheartedly that God will deliver his promise in His perfect timing. Though I had had disappointing moments last year, God has never left my side. I could feel his presence with me each time I pray and read his word telling me to just wait. He has not forgotten about my prayer request. And that itself is a blessing.

So this year, instead of harping on something that only God can control, I have decided to channel my attention to something else – counting His blessings! Every day, no matter how menial His blessings may be, it is still a blessing that I should be grateful for. I will write them down and put them in a jar.I believe God blesses us in many ways we many not understand or even see. And this is one way I could remember His love for me.