No words …

When it comes to God’s grace, there are certainly no words to describe its magnificence. This time I am certain, confident that God has me in his heart and he has not forgotten his promise to me.

I experienced yet another breakdown during my journey of waiting for God to bless me with a child. But this time, the breakdown did not “break” me. I wish I could safely say that I am more confident, more assured of what is to come. Though my heart still aches, but I am not sorrowful. Though my soul still yearns for God’s promise to be hastened, but I am not impatient. I have learned that what is meant to be, will be what is not, will not be. So I am going to take a step back, breathe and enjoy the life that God has ‘allotted’ to me.

In my recent episode of breakdown, I was almost certain that I will not in any chance have children. But God rebuked that. I was on the brink of brokenness, my soul torn into pieces. My hormone was acting really strange – something that has never happened to me before. I read up about my situation on the Internet and it didn’t sound positive. This is the consequence of relying on my ‘humanly’ wisdom, which what the bible describes as ‘foolishness’. I sent out SOS messages to my best friends, seeking prayers. I was on the verge of losing complete faith in the Lord and hence, believing in his promise was almost an impossible feat for me to accomplish. I told God that I wanted to give up for this wait, this faith is killing me inside. I could not breathe.

It was then a miracle appeared just within a minute after my message was sent out. It was so quick, as though God had intercepted one of my best friends’ network and replied my message on her phone:

When God promises you, please wait. Look at what Abraham did? Sarah suggested to Abraham to make Hagar become part of the household of Abraham. And Hagar, provided a ready accommodation to this temptation. God never approved it. This is a great warning never to look at sin lightly. One sin can make it easier to do another sin. It is far better what God thinks and let God’s Word be final no matter what others [including myself] say or think. Do you want to birth an Ishmael or Isaac?”

Therefore, given the many messages I received from God about Abraham, Sarah and their son Isaac, I can almost be certain that I will have a son who will be called Isaac as well for he was the one that God approved of.

The next day, I received more affirmation after affirmation from God’s words:

2 Corinthians 1:20 – For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.

Proverbs 4:13Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it.

Psalm 37:9,15

All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you … LORD, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God

To God, I give him all praise – Amen and Amen.

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Depending on God’s power …

Hubs and I made the hardest decision we’ve ever made in the face of our infertility problem – that is to give up all forms of medication and treatment. It was hard because we have depended on human wisdom to help us all along and while it has been the most tangible source of help, it was never God’s plans for us.

My husband prayed the most meaningful prayer I’ve ever heard – “Lord, we have decided to depend fully on you for we have given up medication”. Full dependence on the Maker is something that a lot of us grapple with. It’s not an easy feat but God has made it very clear that so long as we depend on our own human wisdom and effort, it will be futile. He affirmed this statement through this Scripture which was brought forth to me in the past two days of my QT with him:

 1 Corinthians 2:5 – so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

Isaiah 29:14

Therefore, behold, I will again do a marvelous work Among this people, A marvelous work and a wonder; For the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, And the understanding of their prudent men shall be hidden

Jeremiah 9:24 – But let him who glories glory in this, That he understands and knows Me

1 Corinthians 2:7,9-10

But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory,

But as it is written:

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”[a]

10 But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God.

 

Proverbs 20:24 – A person’s steps are directed by the LORD. How the can anyone understand their own way?

Though these are wondrous revelations that God has shown me, it still pains me to know that I am still childless till this day. Day after day I hear news of birth and pregnancy and they just kept my biological ticking even faster. Each tick sends waves of fear and anxiety through my tired and depressed soul. But at the end of the day, I can’t do much but just call on God day after day, hoping that I could come to terms with reality and to make peace with Him. My cries from the deepest sorrows of my heart were that of the Psalmist. But just like the Psalmist, I too, receive wondrous revelations from the Lord, affirming his love for me. I count myself blessed, truly blessed, in this sense and I could not ask for more.

Psalm 27:7-8,13-14

Hear, O Lordwhen I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”

13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

14 Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Psalm 28:1-2,6-7

To You I will cry, O Lord my Rock:
Do not be silent to me,
Lest, if You are silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
Hear the voice of my supplications
When I cry to You,
When I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary.

Blessed be the Lord,
Because He has heard the voice of my supplications!
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him.

In my silent prayer, I prayed:

Dear heavenly Father,

You know me. You have made me and you have made me whole. I am perfect in your eyes. You know my every desires and thoughts and struggles. Though I am struggling with childlessness, but I believe you will bless me and hubby someday with a child to love and to bring up in accordance to your teaching, just like how you’ve blessed Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth and Rachel. I believe you Lord. I pray Lord, that you have not forgotten about us. We surrender fully to you Lord. Let your face shine on us and your glory be known to all the earth. Amen

I don’t know what to make of it …

It has been a harrowing experience for me and hubs as we kept trying to have a baby naturally without opting for IVF. I was told by a friend who is also a Christian sister that IVF was not for us and much to my disbelief, I obeyed. As tempted as I may be to opt for IVF treatment at times, I believe that God’s ultimate plan of procreation stands supreme. Our endeavor to have a child has taken a toll on my patience and faith that in countless times I have almost given up treatment … and hope. I never thought I would see the day where I would be carrying a bundle of joy in my arms and having a little one falling me “Mummy”. All these seem unimaginable and out of reach. I have prayed every day without fail and I often doubt if God ever heard any of them.

Apparently he has. Though the answers He gave were not the ones I expected, but they actually bring peace in my aching soul. Each time I made the decision to give up altogether, a scripture from the Bible would be prominently displayed before my very eyes telling me how Abraham – to whom God has credited as righteous – has endured the painstaking waiting period before God gave him Isaac. And there was one time, God showed me hope in the most divine moment which I would never forget. I was playing the song “Try Everything” by Shakira (a theme song from Zootopia) on Youtube on my way to the shopping mall when I turned to catch a beautiful glimpse of a patch of rainbow in the midst of the dark rain clouds. I could feel a sense of hope rejuvenating my soul almost instantly and a smile unexpectedly etched on my face. The feeling was blissful! Hope filled my soul once again and my decision to give up on it dissipated, completely out of trace.

Then came another month and I was nowhere near the “double lines”. Of course, the thought of giving up, filled my mind again. But I wasn’t as dejected as I was before and I don’t know what to make of this. Do I still have a tinge of hope left in me? Do I hold on to the promise God has given me? Or do I simply feel indifferent, completely numb to all these?

Then God intervened. When my jar of hope and faith was almost empty, he filled it up again with these verse from the Scripture:

Romans 4:18-22

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offsprings be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead – and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God has the power to do what he had promised. This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” 

As I read this passage to me the second time today (when I copied it into my post), I came to realize so deeply that:

  1. God does not want a weakened faith. Abraham did not weaken his faith although he was facing the fact that both his and his wife’s Sarah’s body were as good as dead.
  2. God does not want a wavering belief or faith. Abraham did not waver in his belief that God can and will do anything that He had promised.
  3. God wants me to continue bearing hope and giving him all glory and honor and praise for only by having a heart of praise and thanksgiving, I could continue to stand tall in his righteousness and live a life of total dependence on his faith, trust and love.

When I thought I do not know what to make of all these – the tiring process of trying, getting disappointed, trying again, feeling hopeless, then trying again. Needless to say, I am almost worn out. But God has not failed to strengthen me time after time and I could feel his presence surrounding me in my hopelessness and weariness. I am lost with words to describe my current disposition. Am I glad? Not sure. Blessed? Yes, definitely. Hopeful? Maybe not in a profound way right now. Prayers and prayers through and through.

God never fails to amaze me …

3 nights ago,  I suffered another meltdown. I woke up in the middle of my sleep and started crying. I wasn’t really sound asleep as my mind leaped back and forth, being active during that night. Because of that, I suddenly went into the thoughts of how “unblessed” I am compared to my friends. I kept thinking why is it that my friends, some enemies, tend to have better lives than mine. They have a career and kids and I am quite the opposite.

As I questioned God about my life, I broke down into tears. Hubs whom I thought was sound asleep, heard my cries and woke up to wipe away my tears. He did not ask any questions for he knew why I was crying. I was crying because I am still without a child since my miscarriage almost 2 years ago. I cried because I felt life’s really unfair for me. Why was it that I have to suffer so much watching others living a life that is so ideal I wish it was my life too. I sound like I am coveting my friends’ lives  … perhaps I am.

It has been a tough journey, juggling between wanting to follow God’s ways that is suffering, and wanting a life that ideally belongs to the world – kids, career, etc. I am tired, I really am. This journey has been exhausting my strength, energy and even faith. I feel guilty because I am tempted to give up on God. He’s been taking his time in blessing me. What does He mean by his perfect timing and plan? I really don’t know and I really wish I do. Have I done anything so sinful in His sight that he has to banish me to suffering just like how he banished Saul for not following His commands in 2 Samuel?

I am tempted to give up fighting for my faith.

But God never fails to amaze me. When I was losing hope and as my faith dwindles, God revealed himself to me through His word the next morning:

John 16:20,22-24,33

v.20: Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.

v.22-24:

22 Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

23 “And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. 24 Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

v.33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

Proverbs 16:4

The Lord works out everything to its proper end—
    even the wicked for a day of disaster.

Then He taught me how to pray and this verses were exactly what I wanted to pray but I was lost at words. God helped me to put them into my heart as I was trying to reach out to Him:

Psalm 119:76-77

76 May your unfailing love be my comfort,
    according to your promise to your servant.
77 Let your compassion come to me that I may live,
    for your law is my delight.

I very much want to shout ALL GLORY GOES TO HIM but my heart remains pretty hardened. I am still coming to terms with my present disposition. I am still trying to be at peace with the journey and plan that God has ordained for me. His word is truly a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. I wish I could follow it wholeheartedly.

Proverbs 16:9 – In their hearts humans plan their course, bu the LORD establishes their steps.

Today, God revealed yet another revelation to me taken from 2 Samuel 14:14 that God does not intend to banish anyone for good for that is not what He desires. That in itself has given me hope that God still loves me. He reprimanded David for sinning by committing adultery with Bathsheba and killed their child. But in his grace, He has granted David another child with Bathsheba. He has punished the Israelites from straying off their paths, but time after time, He forgave them and provided for them. Truly, He is a loving God. His love gives us hope that there is no eternal darkness in this world, but eternal hope that He provides through His Son Jesus Christ for all who believe.

I thank God for his divine intervention that has saved me from stumbling. Truly all praises go to Him. Amen.

God never lies ….

Every day, every month as I continue to wait upon the Lord for His promise of a child, I have been reading His word and unknowingly, it has become a routine which I could never forgo. His word is like my heartbeat – something I can never live without!

Yesterday, again He sent me an assurance that He remembers me with a scripture taken from:

NUMBERS 23:19

God is not human, that he should lie, not human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

Truly God never lies. Whatever he has said holds true and I will bask in the wondrous light of his love. As I wait, I learned to rely on Him for strength for I am weak and feeble. I do doubt occasionally but He never fails to uplift me with His word and presence of the Holy Spirit so I can stay afloat during this waiting period.

A love so divine …

We have husband and wife for 8 years and today’s our wedding anniversary … we still remain husband and wife – no extension to the family … yet. There came a time where my hope dwindled, but the Holy Spirit somehow reminded me that God is in control and He hears our prayers.

Just want to share how God has been so real to me this month that has given me a peace that is unfathomable by human understanding.

I have been monitoring my BBT for the past few years that I have become so accustomed to the routine that I know the second we have another failed attempt at getting pregnant. And so it was this month too. But this time, I felt peaceful when I looked at the dropped temperature, which meant that I would be getting my period anytime soon. We have failed once again!

Before the feeling of disappointment could sink in, God has already reassured me beforehand about His promise. That’s how I got the peace to move on with my life and celebrated our wedding anniversary today – disappointment-free.

These were the readings I received days before I knew of our failed attempt:

MARK 11:22-25

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

PSALM 46:10

He says, “Be still and know that I am God.”

PSALM 48:14

For this God is our God forever and ever, he will be our guide even to the end.

NUMBERS 6:24-26

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD makes his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turns his face toward you and give you peace.”

and finally ….

1 CORINTHIANS 13:7-8

[LOVE] bears all things, believes all things, endure all things. Love never fails …

Truly after I read these verses, I felt the peace to fully trust Him once again and the hope rekindled. I know that if I love God, I ought to love him with all my heart, soul and mind and believe that with His love for me, He will never fail me …

AMEN and HALLELUJAH to a great and awesome God ….